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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.