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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!