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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.