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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.