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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.