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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
about love
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.