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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I grew up for this?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!