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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Own the day
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.