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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.