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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."