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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.