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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!