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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.