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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Iām shy at first, but once Iām comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.