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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.