Daily Silly Status

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it

The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.

I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke

These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.

Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.

Life`s short ... Drink fast

I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.

I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.

If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.