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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Exercise? More like extra fries.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.