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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(