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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.