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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.