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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.