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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.