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Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.