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You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.