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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.