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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.