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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?