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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.