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A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.