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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.