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My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!