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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.