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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!