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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Find someone you`re good at.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.