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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride