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I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Care less and you’ll stress less.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-