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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
Honk if you wanna see the finger
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!