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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
People: What a bunch of bastards!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.