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Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
i hate that the sun comes up so early
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.