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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.