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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.