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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.