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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.