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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.