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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever