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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did