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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.