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Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...