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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.