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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Iām sick of closing out every job interview with āI was young. I needed the money.ā
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.