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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.