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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)