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On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today