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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.