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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.