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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
What Iām really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.