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First fart at my new job.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
What do you mean I didnβt win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Whoever snuck the s in βfast foodβ is a clever person.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
If Iβm going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then Iβm going to need a bigger rug.
Iβm so happy people canβt hear what Iβm thinking.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.