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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
justin bieber
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!