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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.