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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
It’s a status….not your diary…
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.