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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.