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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Warning: I just get weirder.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.