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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them