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I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
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If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.