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Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!