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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.