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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.