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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.