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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.