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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.