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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.