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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.