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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.