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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy