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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.