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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
This headache feels like dumb people
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!