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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.