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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.