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I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.