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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?