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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Does the Food Network deliver?
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.