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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.