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It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.