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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.