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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.