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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
What’s the answer to this question?
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!