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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.