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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Does the Food Network deliver?
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.