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I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?