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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.