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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.