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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day Iām just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Iām pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Warranty ā A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...