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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
My pants are 75% off.
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is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Some people should come with subtitles.