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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Can I get likes for no reason?
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.