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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I am the bestest at the English language...
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.