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Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.