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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Walmart needs observation decks.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session