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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.