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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.