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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.