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He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.