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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Save water- shower with me!
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.