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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch