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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.