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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.