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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin