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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?