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¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.